2024-09-29 good_day

2024-09-30

You know what? Today was a good day.

Hadn't had many of those lately. But I'm at a point in my life where every tiny win counts. And having a good day is a big win.

So what happened today? Nothing special actually. I woke up, saw myself in the mirror and because I have some face blindness, it took me half a second for me to recognize myself, but it was enough for my brain to go: "Oh, a cute girl in the mirror" before going "Hey, that's us!". Yes it is. Good brain. So that was cool. And the fact that my breasts have been hurting all day from growing has made this for a very gender validating day.

I spent my entire day in my apartment, as getting out is too hard energy wise but also because let's face it, I'm a naturally "homie person". I like staying indoors. What's new for me, is that I like being in my apartment.

I still don't like it, but because I now sleep on my couch (it's retractable, so it can turn into a bed) as a way to reduce my sensory difficulties that I've been having ever since I moved in with my partner, I'm somehow starting to like it. And the mixture of depression, anxiety and dysphoria that has been hitting me over and over again prevented me from going out of it, so... better get used to it.

It feels like I've had a conversation with that apartment and we're both in agreement that we're stuck with one another, so might as well start learning to like each other. We're not there yet, but, we're moving in the right direction, somethings are different. Like my relationship with my bedroom, in which I spend a considerably less amount of time than I used to.

It's strange. Our bedroom became something else for me, it's a room completely separated from where my living room, my bed and my desk is, which is all in the same room, so my living space. Instead of being my bedroom, it became this special room that I go to isolate. When I feel like I may go through another panic attack, I grab my big Blahaj plushie and I go lay down on the bed. If I'm gonna go through it, it feels safer to do it here.

One of the best thing I did recently, was just go in that bedroom with my headphones and my phone, put an album that I liked and just lay down to listen to it. Just listening to music, music that I love, that feels not just like a safe choice to listen to, but a comfortable one as well. No skipping around and so on, no, just letting the album play. And it was so peaceful.

It felt like I was having some "me time" for the first time in a long time, away from all of the crap that's going on my mind. Like, blogging does feel like that as well in some ways, but it requires more focus, I can easily be distracted. And actually, I wrote that and got distracted, which I find to be funny... and I may have been distracted right after writing that sentence too.

Today actually had none of that. I mean, I am writing this blog post right now, but still. Today was simply spent with the two person who I love the most on this planet, my amazing partner, and someone who I consider to be my little sister... even though she acts more like my big sister.

I finished building the file that is hopefully, going to give me access to some money and tools to help me live with and compensate for my disabilities. It's sent, and now, we wait for what will probably be a few months for what could actually change my life and give me some financial safety without requiring me to work and burn out every three months like I used to. Big weight off of my shoulders even if the waiting is going to be awful.

I also ordered my friend a backpack today. She needed it, her backpack was a really cheap backpack and it's falling apart. She carries her bag with her everywhere, she always has tons of stuff in it. And it turns out, I'm autistic about backpacks and bags in general. I have multiple of them and I want a new one. It's a problem. I don't spend a lot of money on stuff, but it's one of these few things where I do.

Can't let her have a shit backpack. So yesterday during the night, I looked up for backpacks, considering all the criteria she had and what she would need for what I know about her. I managed to narrow it down to one, a perfect backpack for her and quite frankly, one that seems to be really good for everyone. She came in today, I showed it to her and... we have a winner, this seemed like the right one. So I bought it for her.

It's never felt this good to spend money. I'm super happy about that, hopefully the gift turns out well when it arrives. The best part about this is, my friend has huge issues with money. As in, like me, money is something that is really scary for her and receiving gifts is a huge deal. So the fact that she let me do it for her, that she managed to put aside her anxieties about money to trust me when I told her: "I want to do this for you" is just huge to me.

We had a good afternoon and a good evening, the three of us. And at some point, my partner told me: "It's so good to hear you laugh." Yeah, I didn't notice that actually. I was feeling in a pretty neutral mood today. I think the fact that I lowered my dosage of estrogen has something to do with it, my body reacts super fast to things and lately I was on a heavy dose. Too heavy actually. Now, it's better.

So we talked, we laughed, we had serious conversations, we watched stuff... and it just felt like I was in my own little safe space with these two amazing goofballs that I get to share a lot of my life with lately.

I got to be autistic about things that I love for a good chunk of my day, and she and I had a good laugh about the idea that my breasts are so sensitive that sometimes, it feels like I'm lactating. We started making jokes about making cheese out of my breast milk. Before she fell asleep, she told me: "Thank you for making smile before sleeping."

Then I got at my desk and started writing this blog post. Had a lollipop while doing it too, which was cool. Oh and it's been entirely typed on my mechanical keyboard, sitting at my desk. Usually, dictation does a lot of the job, but here, it's been 100% typed.

I'll end this post on a song. Guess which band I'm gonna cite? That's right, I'm still very much autistic about Linkin Park and there is nothing you can do to stop me! :3

This song feels really appropriate actually, and I've been listening to it while writing this.

The Messenger ends the album "A Thousand Suns" which is a very anxious album.

Each song taken separately can have very personal meaning, lots of themes about anxiety and depression. Like Iridescent and Waiting For The End are two very important songs to me. They've helped me go through some tough times in my life and they're still there for me. Hearing Chester Bennington singing from the top of his lungs "Holding on to what I haven't got" on Waiting For The End will never not make me deeply emotional.

But taken as an album you listen to from beginning to end in one sitting, it's about humanity self-destroying through notably, a theme of nuclear war that creeps up a lot in it. The album ramps up all the way to The Catalyst, which is this really intense cataclysmic song... and after that, the album closes on this simple acoustic guitar rhythm. Chester Bennington is singing in a beautifully melodic and yet, very scream-ish way a song about love. Not in a romantic way, but more as a concept, as part of the human condition. That in the end, the people around us are all that truly matters.

Saying that "when life leaves us blind, love keeps us kind". That's how I've been feeling a lot lately. My newly found sister is very much a traumatized person. She went through a lot and she is very much still going through a ton. She could be angry at the whole world and be spiteful to everything and everyone and I wouldn't blame her for it.

Instead, all of the awful shit that happened to her, turned her into this amazingly kind and caring person, an angel that I've met on my desperate road to nowhere. She could've robbed me, she could've left me for dead, vowing to never trust anyone ever again, instead, she made me believe in fate. She took me under her wing, she fed me, she gave me shelter and she is helping me find a better path, as the road ahead lead to nowhere but a cliff.

She didn't have to do that. But she went through such awful things, that she can't possibly make anyone go through them and in my case, I guess she couldn't let me go through this. We have too much in common, there is a lot of her younger self in my current me. Life left her blind, but love kept her kind.

This album has always been my favorite. And now, I find a new meaning within it. In the context of the album, it feels to me like humanity prevailing despite it all. And on a more personal approach, well I've been going through my own personal apocalypse lately. It feels like I've reached this song. I can rest, I can prevail.

I know it's not over. Once that song will be over, the album will loop, but it'd be comfortable knowing that this song will play once again eventually. That there is a clearing in this storm, I can see stars in a moonlit sky, there is a lighthouse in the middle of that ocean. None of this is going to stay, but it's there, even when I can't see it, it is still there.

So when I've suffered enough, and my spirit is breaking, growing desperate from the fight, I'll remember I'm loved and always will be. This melody will bring me right back home. When love leaves us blind, love will keep us kind.

I'm so lucky to have these two.

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