2024-10-07 meteor_sky
I had a calm night. It wasn't a good night, it wasn't a restful night, but it was a calm night and therefore restful enough.
The bar is low. But basically I didn't wake up 50 times during the night. I woke up tired, but I woke up feeling like I had some sleep, which is a definite improvement over the last few days. And with that little amount of restoration came some clarity about what the hell happened in the last few days.
I've said that before, but being ill, being insomniac, being depressed, being dysphoric, being anxious, and being autistic isn't a good combo at all. It doesn't make for a good cocktail, and it sure as shit doesn't make for a good series of lens to see the world through.
As I mentioned in my previous entry, I am now off of my anti-depressant, and that too probably doesn't help. For what little of a dose I was under, and for how short of a time period I've been taking it, it probably brought some kind of low-level stability to my mental state, which is no longer there.
In the last few days I have been going through a lot of intense bullshit. Some of which I have zero control over and are absolutely out of my control. Some, though, I could have handled a lot better. I think that in general all of the people that were involved either directly or indirectly are all pretty exhausted from the events of the last few days.
And I'm not gonna go into details, of course, but basically, relationships are hard. And as for me, from my own personal point of view, I would say that relationships are hard and it's even harder when anxiety gets in the way, which it did a lot.
So, taking a step back, if I could see myself, the way I've been acting, the things I've been saying, how I've been handling it all, and using this snapshot of myself, of this person, to try and make an assessment as to their mental state; I would say that this person is going through some things that are obviously very complicated for her to manage, but that at the same time, she is completely spinning out of control.
That's how I feel right now, out of control. And I don't think it's a moral failing on my part. As I've said in my previous entry, I'm trying to apologize less. It's not just for my relationship with my friend, it's also for my relationship with my own self. I need to understand and accept that things are happening to me, and these things I handle the best way I can on the moment, and sometimes I just can't handle them at all, and I think that's what happened.
If I could describe social anxiety, I would say anxiety is like hallucinating. Sometimes you simply see shit that simply isn't there. But that isn't to a normal misinterpreting of the situation level. No, it is more of a: sometimes you see a fucking meteor rushing towards Earth that simply doesn't exist.
You look up at the sky and you see this imminent world-ending threat coming towards all of you, but nobody else sees it. And it's not a "Don't Look Up" scenario where people are just in denial. No. It simply isn't there. And you know it's not too!
You know full well that this is just anxiety acting like a parasite over your brain and the way you see things. But still, every time you look up, there is a meteor in the sky and it's coming closer. And of course, eventually the question will be asked in your mind. What if I'm just the only one that can see it?
It's an incessant loop of "there is a meteor in the sky, but then after, "no, there isn't, hat's just my brain." But then... there is a meteor in the sky.
Could you imagine trying to live a normal life when every time you took a glance at the sky you saw a massive fireball getting closer and closer each time you take a glance at it? Because when it was just this weird little dot, it was easy to ignore, even if it peeked your curiosity. But now it is undeniable. Every time you look it is getting bigger and bigger, and it is inevitably going to consume your thoughts, because why wouldn't it!
That's what fears of being abandoned and anxiety does to me. I see things that are happening around me and I get intensely scared of ending up alone, of people secretly hating me and of people actually figuring out that maybe they would be better off if I weren't there, of people looking for reasons and ways to just exclude me from their lives. My relationships are my sky and my fear is my meteor.
The problem is that lately I've been having a meteor shower in my sky. There has been a lot of bullshit going on and most of the stuff that I've seen simply isn't real. And it prompted me to act in very irrational ways.
That's where I'm at right now. I'm not sure what I should take away from this. Can I blame someone for acting clingy when they are desperately afraid of being abandoned because they saw things that are simply not there? Can I blame someone for feeling like the world is ending when they're seeing a meteor in the sky that simply isn't there?
Yeah, I'm taking a distance and I'm watching myself in third person. I'm looking at that girl and she's acting irrational. She is seeing things that are simply not there, but the fact of the matter is, she is seeing them. And I'm not gonna blame her for that.
I've tried and reduced the amount of apology I say. Also, because when I have something to apologize for, which I did this weekend, it sounds more meaningful, and I think it did.
And you may be wondering, where is this going, Plume? Why are you writing all of this? Do you realize how hard it is for me to understand whatever the fuck you're talking about when I don't have any specifics as to the context? And the answer to that is, you don't need specifics.
This is just a way I deal with my social anxieties in general. I see things that aren't there, I panic over little things, and they turn into massive world-ending events for me.
I have an over-analytical mind which picks up on tons of details most people never notice. And that cuts both ways.
Sometimes I pick up on a tiny little detail that is completely isolated and random but my brain fails to interpret it on its own and therefore, tries to integrate it into part of a larger pattern of behaviour and other details it already interpreted, but that fucks up the entire pattern instead of fitting into it. Because my brain can't handle that tiny little detail, which in the context itself is very likely to be a simple accident or miscommunication, it tries to fit it in the rest of the context and that details start acting as a cancer on the whole thing. And that's when a little dot in the sky, which could just be a satellite, turns into a meteor.
I know there is no meteor in the sky. I know my relationships are fine, even though we went through some stuff that was complicated. Some of it, a large part of it, was completely out of our control and are things that happened to all of us instead of things that we did to each other. But I still feel these things, and in a moment it is hard for me to separate myself from it, and I spin out of control because my fears are getting the best of me.
Relationships are hard. Insomnia isn't the thing that has been exhausting for me. It is simply this, trying to manage relationships, when anxiety keeps getting in the way, when I am terrified of ending up alone, where I'm terrified of people that I love just leaving me behind because I'm too much for them.
The hardest part for me isn't thinking that there is a meteor in the sky. The hardest part is knowing that there isn't one but still being convinced at the same time that there might be one and trying to properly contain these feelings, these insecurities, from affecting the people around me. Because saying the things that I feel is an automatic thing for me. It's hard for me to lie. It's hard for me to omit informations. And it's taking a lot of effort that I simply don't have in me right now to omit these things that I'm seeing, that I know aren't there despite me still seeing them.
There is no meteor in my sky. I don't have to fear this.
Let it be a shooting star. Let it be something bright and scary, only to end up into a beautiful show of dust sparkling away as it grinds against the resilience of our atmosphere.
Wish upon the star that the people who are in my life right now will forever be part of that sky and not just be a comet passing me by.
...damn, I miss looking at the stars.